I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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