nut hugger
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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