3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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