yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
