Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
