I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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