Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
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You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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