FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
