Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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