I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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