My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
