mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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