mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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