I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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