That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
