you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
