The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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