I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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