Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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