She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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