My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
