When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
