I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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