Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
