I bet he comes in French.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
