my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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