New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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