It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
