Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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