More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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