it hurts more in the daytime
im six kinds of drunk right now
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
