Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
