So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
