please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
