i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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