I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
