If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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