Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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