Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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