you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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