Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
