Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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