I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
