Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
