got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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