just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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