GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
