Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
