We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
