I am in a vortex of obligation.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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