Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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