i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Randomize
