So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
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I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
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I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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