Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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