I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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