Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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