Can i not drive my cunt home
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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